Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Regret is not a word in my vocabulary

I try not to live my life with regrets. Instead I like to think of mistakes as lessons. Ones that I can learn and grow from. We are given trials to test our strength. I've been incredibly lucky to have such strong role models in my life. I've been blessed with an amazing supportive family, something not a lot of people can say they have. In times of weakness I can draw on their strength and know that all is not lost and that they will stick by me no matter what.
I have no regrets in any area of my life. I build my strength through all those crappy situations I've had.
I have absolutely no regrets in ways of family. I have such precious memories that, yet again, not many can say they have. And I wouldn't trade them for the world.
I don't regret anything in the way of work. My strong role models have taught me by example to have a good work ethic. And I try everyday to live up to their standards. (Never will but I still try)
I try everyday to be better than I was the day before. To make my life better and make my family proud.
I live with no regrets. I am who I am today because of that. I am so thankful to those in my life. Whether it was positive or negative, you influenced me and inspired me to be better. I love you all

Friday, November 2, 2012

Hide The Sharp Objects

I am so damn tired of people and their attitudes! It's really hard trying to stay positive when you're constantly surrounded by people who bitch over the dumbest things. If your life sucks so bad DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! Complaining 24/7 isn't going to help! Venting I understand. Everyone needs to vent and get things off their chest. But it becomes a problem when you do nothing to remedy the situation. I understand that you hate your spouse or that you feel you don't get paid enough or that you try really hard to get knocked up by some douche bag but its not going well! SHUT THE HELL UP! And for all the "men" out there, if you can feel comfortable watching a 100 pound girl do things that you are supposed to, then I think you need to surrender the title of man. You clearly are not! It's ridiculous.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

When will the past just die and go away!?! I'm tired of being plagued by the mistakes of the past. Hello Im trying to move on with life! Why is that so impossible? Every time I think that Im in the clear, ready to breath again, all the ish that I've dealt with come flooding back.  Instant rage blinds me and I'm thrown around by a tornado of emotion. Hatred, fear, embarrassment, regret, self loathing and so on. To err is human right? There is a lot that I wish I could take back, but I can't. Sorry!
Depression my old friend, I may have to pay you a visit. EFF MY LIFE!

Monday, September 24, 2012

Life Is An Experiment

Life. It's amazing how quickly it can change. My life has changed drastically this year and although at times its been hard, I am stronger now then I ever have been before. I was tested in ways that probably should've broken me. I feel that I can face anything the world can throw at me. I am enjoying life, and better yet, I'M LIVING IT. I am no longer held back and beaten down  by the "no you can't"s and "you suck at life"s (although I still kinda suck at life) This feeling is incredible! I can't believe how much life I've missed out on. I'm ready to live it to the fullest. I want to experience anything and everything I  can.   Life's short and I don't want to look back and be filled with regrets. I feel empowered and for the first time in my life I feel beautiful. I am confident in my self and I now know my self worth.
Don't know what I'm talking about? I got myself out of a horrible situation, and as hard as it was I've grown and learned from it. It felt like I'd hit rock bottom. But it was all in my attitude. A hard lesson to learn. The power of thought and a positive attitude are what helped in the end. It took a lot of energy to be depressed and dwell on the mistakes of the past. I wasn't me.  I decided I was tired of being that loathsome person and changed my attitude. The results are amazing! Life just keeps getting better. I got a promotion, I'm excited about school (although when I'm there you won't hear me say that) I look forward to achieving goals and making something of myself. 
Single and ready to mingle is the name of the game. OK well maybe not exactly that, but I'm ready to have fun, meet new people and be me. Live life like a normal 20-something year old. 
Bring it on world. I'm ready for whatever you throw at me.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

The Greatest Thing You'll Ever Learn Is Just To Love And Be Loved In Return

I love you. The three most dangerous words a person can say. They get thrown around like its no big deal. So I have to question is it really love? Or lust? Or is it just infatuation? Movies these days depict love as this all consuming "I can't live without you" long lasting beautiful thing. Does such a thing exist? In this day and age its difficult to say. Its all about how quickly can we get married so we can do it. What happened to romance? What happened to taking your time to really get to know a person? I've made mistakes. I've thrown around those words. And now that I've grown, I realize that its not what I want. I hate the games that people play! I hate how easy a person can hurt someone, and not feel bad about it!
So what is love? Is it getting the butterflies at the very mention of someones name? Laying your head on their chest and being soothed by the beat of their heart. Looking in their eyes and knowing that you could stay there forever. Being in someones arms and knowing that its the right place for you to be? You should feel this everyday. Not just in the beginning. Thats what I want. Its what everyone deserves. Im done playing games. I know what I want and Im not going to settle for what I dont deserve.

Friday, April 13, 2012

One finger at me, three back at you!

Ive been feeling really down lately. Which apparently is normal according to most people. Ive taken some steps to hopefully change my life for the better and people tell me its normal to feel the way I am... But its not normal to me! And I really don't like it, its not me at all! The more I think about things, the more comfortable I am with my decision. I have direction and focus and a new found sense of self worth. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. I just don't understand how someone can just throw something away so easily! And I cant shake this icky feeling! It litterally makes me sick to my stomach. I take full responsibility for my actions but what you were/are doing was worse.
I like to think that I am a very accepting person. No matter who you are or where you came from. I can get along with anyone. I try my hardest not to judge anyone, because honestly what right do I have? I am definitely not perfect, Ive got some demons and I dont pretend to be better then anyone. But it irks me when people who are no better then me think that they can make snap judgements. I've always been the kind of person that would rather have you say something to my to my face and we resolve it that way. I may not like what you have to say but I'll respect you more and take whats being said to heart. This sneaking around talking crap behind my back isnt cool. And did you honestly think that it wouldnt get back to me!?! Even when being confronted about what was said you didnt have the back bone to talk to me! Ha! Its really pathetic. But before you point those fingers at me stop for a second and take a look at your own life. Because yet again you are no better then me. I have reasons for doing what I do. And why do I matter so much to you anyway? Why am I playing such a big role in your life? Are you so completely bored with your own life that you need to create unnecessary drama in other peoples lives to fullfill some sick pleasure?
Any way like I said I have focus and am hell bent on making something of myself and not let petty ignorant people keep me down anymore. And that is the best revenge. In 10 years I'll be living the great life that I plan on having while you are stuck right where you are now. Its a sad thought but it does give me comfort. And no matter how much you try to put me down or try to make me think Im nothing without you, or even try to make it seem that YOU are better off without ME, it wont work. Even though Im down right now, Im still happier then I was being with you. I honestly wish the best for you. But I also wish that you will feel the regret hardcore! And that people will tell you how stupid you are for letting me go.  The end

Wednesday, March 14, 2012


OK let me preface this by saying that the things in this post will make me seem like a HUGE biotch, but I'm really not. I am just tired of some peoples incompetent, lazy, "I deserve everything" attitudes. Like I said I am fortunate enough to work with the public, which I love most of the time. But lately I've  had a very poor attitude. Go figure. Me with a bad attitude. I am a starving college student who cant afford much but I refuse to be one of those people who mooch off of other people and abuse the system. I would rather work my ass off and appreciate all that I have then be a piece of garbage who refuses to get a job because the government giving me money is so much easier. Don't get me wrong, I think that government assistance is a wonderful thing. But its there for you when you need it. Use it until you can get back on your feet and then be done. These people that take advantage of the system straight up piss me off. They drive nicer cars then I do and they wear designer clothes and have their nails done every other week! WTF!? That's what my tax dollars are going towards? That and these peoples drugs. (Not saying everyone on assistance is on drugs but majority of the people that come through my work are tweakers and are on assistance. But lets not get me started on that subject)
I also get so tired of people coming into my store and giving me attitude because we aren't set up to take horizon cards or I cant sell them beer because their ID is expired or for not letting them borrow a lighter. Its there to buy!!! My job is not worth any ones cigarettes or beer! Lo siento.
I work really hard and it erks me to think that these people get benefits that I cant. And that I am the one flipping the bill for there bad habits. I have not kept my mouth shut when it comes to children. I think it is horrible that women are willing to kill not only themselves but their unborn children for their own selfish needs. I don't fully understand addiction nor do I ever want to but if you say you care for your children the way you say you do then why not stop the bad habits before you cause too much harm? Or looking at it from a selfish point of view, my kids is going to be messe d up and I have to be the one to take care of them for the rest of their lives and I couldn't handle it. I really couldn't handle knowing that I was the one that caused harm in the first place. But people now days don't care. Its all about self gratification. And they have no shame. Good for them I guess.
OK well that is my rant for the day. I know it sounds absolutely horrible but feel free to stop by my work and stay for an hour and you'll see exactly what I'm talking about.
PS Im not a biotch... Just wanted to reiterate that

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Stop the burning!

This is how I feel at this moment.

See it's burning me to hold onto this
I know this is something I gotta do
But that don't mean I want to
What I'm trying to say is that I-love-you I just
I feel like this is coming to an end
And its better for me to let it go now than hold on and hurt you
I gotta let it burn

It's gonna burn for me to say this
But it's coming from my heart
It's been a long time coming
But we done been fell apart
Really wanna work this out
But I don't think you're gonna change ya
I do but you don't
Think it's best we go our separate ways
Tell me why I should stay in this relationship
When I'm hurting baby, I ain't happy baby
Plus theres so many other things I gotta deal with
I think that you should let it burn

When your feeling ain't the same and your body don't want to
But you know gotta let it go cause the party ain't jumpin' like it used to
Even though this might bruise you
Let it burn
Let it burn
Gotta let it burn

Deep down you know it's best for yourself but you
Hate the thought of her being with someone else
But you know that it's over
You know that it was through
Let it burn
Let it burn
Gotta let it burn

Sendin' pages I ain't supposed to
Got somebody here but I want you
Cause the feeling ain't the same find myself
Callin' her your name
Ladies tell me do you understand?
Now all my fellas do you feel my pain?
It's the way I feel
I know I made a mistake
Now it's too late
I know she ain't coming back
What I gotta do now
To get my shorty back
Oh oh oh oh
Man I don't know what I'm gonna do
Without my boo
You've been gone for too long
It's been fifty-eleven days, um-teen hours
I'mma be burnin' till you return (let it burn)

When your feeling ain't the same and your body don't want to
But you know gotta let it go cause the party ain't jumpin' like it used to
Even though this might bruise you
Let it burn (let it burn, let it burn, you gonna learn)
Let it burn (gotta let it burn)
Gotta let it burn

Deep down you know it's best for yourself but you
Hate the thought of her being with someone else
But you know that it's over
you know that it was through
Let it burn
Let it burn
Gotta let it burn

I'm twisted cause one side of me is tellin' me that I need to move on
On the other side I wanna break down and cry (oh)
I'm twisted cause one side of me is tellin' me that I need to move on
On the other side I wanna break down and cry (yeah)

So many days, so many hours
I'm still burnin' till you return

When your feeling ain't the same and your body don't want to
But you know gotta let it go cause the party ain't jumpin' like it used to
Even though this might bruise you
Let it burn
Let it burn
Gotta let it burn

Deep down you know it's best for yourself but you
Hate the thought of her being with someone else
But you know that it's over
You know that it was through
Let it burn
Let it burn
Gotta let it burn

Being a kid is like being drunk, everyone remembers all the stupid stuff you did but you.

Remember the days of playing outside until your mom yelled for you to get your butt in the house? Or watching those awesome Saturday morning cartoons? Or even playing Sailor Moon with your favorite cousins? The days when all you had to worry about was which cereal you were going to eat in the morning. I miss those days. When I was younger, I couldn't wait to grow up. I thought it was going to be the best. Boy was I mistaken. Don't get me wrong being an adult has some great perks. But there's responsibilities (other then chores) You have to work, learn to cook, pay bills. I have a good job, my boss is the most amazing boss ever! But working sucks. Im not doing something that I absolutely love so its hard to force myself to go. Not to mention all  the people and drama that I have to deal with on a daily basis. When you grow up the drama gets worse I think. If you claim to be a mature adult then why do you not act like it? That above all bugs the heck out of me. Dont start petty drama, act like a child and then claim that you're more mature and above everyone else!
But I digress. To do what I want I have to go to school. And the worst part about going to school now is there is no recess! It seems like school will never end. But I keep telling myself it will be worth it in the end.
There is a saddness that I have been feeling lately. Is it depression? Is it seasonal? Or could it be Im having myself a good old pity party? Maybe a little bit of all of those. My health sucks. I try not to complain because its not diabetes or cancer or something serious like that. But it stll sucks. And whats worse is it seems like I am never getting better... and Im FAT!!!! I have no motivation to go to the gym or take care of myself. Someone please come slap me! Maybe shake me a little? I really am tired of being anti social, anti healthy and just plain anti! I'm too young to be this unhappy right? Perhaps the next time I'm sitting at home wallowing in my self pitty I should take a look at my life and decide what the freak Im doing with my life and figure out what I can change to love life again. Yes!
Oh and Im more then just boobs! So stop staring at my chest perves. Just thought I'd sneak that in there :)
Life sucks. It is full of trials that are meant to test us. These tests can ultimately make us stronger in the end. But you still wonder "why me?". It seems like the bad news has just kept coming. My family recently suffered a loss. One of my cousins died for no good reason. After attending the services I realized just how important family is. I may not be as close to my family as I would like but if any of them needed anything I would be there, even if that meant lending an ear or a shoulder to cry on. As they have shown me.  There are horrible people in this world that have no regard for others. No body is perfect and I realize that but how can people live with themselves  after knowingly hurting someone?
My friend got some horrible news as well. He has been strong through out this whole thing and I admire him. I hope you know my friends I will always be there for you! No matter what has happened in the past. I love you all dearly and I hold a special place for all of you in my heart.